So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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