So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
