I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
