i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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