the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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