Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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