My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
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She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
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I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize