Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
