She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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