I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
