I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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