Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
