How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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