hotel room ftw
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
