Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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