I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
