i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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