Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
