i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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