The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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