If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
