I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
