hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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