someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
