He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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