Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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