This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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