Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
