I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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