When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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