i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
