Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
