you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
