Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
