Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
