I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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