I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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