: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
