i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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