i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize