i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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