You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
