dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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