So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
