Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
