I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
