I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Welp...herpes.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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