Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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