Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
