He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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