dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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