he wants to bone in the snuggie
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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