we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
