Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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