He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
