I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
