Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
