I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
